Can a single urban male survive the horrors of the bedroom community?
A lot of you might not think of Salt Lake City as being a large city.
Salt Lake City itself has just around 200,000 people. A mid-sized city at best. The county, on the other hand is much more populous...Around 1.5 million people living in quiet little bedroom communities with cute, wholesome sounding names like Bountiful, Taylorsville, Sandy, Midvale, etc, etc, etc. I myself grew up in the upper middle class hamlet of Holladay. Which is located on the east side of the valley, in the foothills of the Wasatch Mountains. The kind of place where there is a church on every corner, a cop in every subdivision, and a slutty bishop's daughter on every street. My own little slice of americana.
God... I couldn't wait to LEAVE!
When i moved out of my parent's house at seventeen, i immediately rented an apartment in the city. Downtown as a matter of fact. I love the older neighborhoods that make up Salt Lake City. Victorian architecture much like San Francisco, is pretty much the standard. Convenience everywhere you turned. Bars, restaruants, libraries, museums, underground record stores. So much more to offer that the 'burbs. I loved it. I rapidly shed my surburban skin and turned into an urbanite. Never again returning to the white bread, moss covered, mom and apple pie nightmare that was the suburbs.
That lasted approximately twenty years.
A good friend of mine bought a house in my old neighborhood, and asked me if i wanted to move in and split the house with him. The rent was fair, and the house is very nice.
So i moved in about a month ago. Oh, lord help me....I'm living in the SUBURBS again!
It's strange really. Like returning to the scene of a crime in a way. I used to have a friend who lived at the top of the street that i'm now living on. We used to party a lot back in those days. The neighbors hated us with very good reason mind you.... I sometimes wonder if any of them still live around here, and if they do, have they figured out that it was me who spun donuts on the ward house lawn, and then shot out all the street lights with a pellet rifle a week later? (thank you statute of limitations) I hope they never find out... If i see an angry mob with torches and pitchforks coming up the driveway...I'll assume they have.
I feel like the MILFhunter when i go anywhere in this neighboorhood. Soccer moms as far as the eyes can see. Every time i go the the supermarket, i end up playing eye hockey with some SUV-driving, undersexed, pilates addicted, den mother. I've never thought of myself as that hot of a property mind you... I guess that it's because i'm an endangered species out here. A mid-thirties guy who has never been married, and hasn't had his spirit broken by the horrors of suburbia. I have to admit it is a little flattering. But it's weird at times too. Kind of like showing a starving dog a pork chop....And i'm the pork chop!
A few things piss me off as well....
1. SPEEDBUMPS: Every fifty feet on my street there are the largest speed bumps that i have ever seen. If you hit one going any faster than 2 MPH...Prepare to slam your head into the roof of your car. I know why they are there. The problem? There aren't really that many kids on my particular street.
2. EVERYTHING CLOSES AT 11 PM: Supermarkets, fast food places, malls, even the goddamn liquor store.
3. NO SIDEWALKS: There are no sidewalks in Holladay. I dunno why...But they ain't there.
I could go on for hours....Trust me. I've found a few things that i like about the 'burbs as well...
1. PEACE AND QUIET: Rarely do you hear a siren, car tires screeching, gunfire, or any of the big city noises. I kind of miss the sirens and gunfire for some bizarre reason.
2. CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN: Salt Lake is one of the cleanest cities in the universe, and the suburbs are even more sanitary. I haven't seen as much as a gum wrapper anywhere on my street.
3. COOL NEIGHBORS: The couple next door are also urban refugees, and about the same age. It's nice to know that misery loves company.
I guess that i can learn to live in the 'burbs again. I miss the city at times, but not enough to go back yet.
Thanks for reading,
thatoneguyinslc