A pair of brown shoes in a tuxedo world...Yep that's me!

Published on August 16, 2004 By thatoneguyinslc In Dating

Sometimes i wonder...What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm not a mutant. I have a good job. I'm educated. I'm a pretty compassionate guy who rarely lashes out in anger. I care about my fellow human beings. I care about leaving this world a better place than which i found it. I like to read. I like to have intelligent conversations about a lot of different things. I like to cook. I like laying in bed and listening to the rain. I like to have a drink with good friends. I like to meet new people. I appreciate beauty in the many forms that it presents itself in this great big world. I love my mom, my country, my friends, a good cup of coffee, riding my motorcycle, and someone who speaks the truth wether or not i want to hear it. (probably why i like JoeUser so much)

I just can't figure out for the life of me why i'm still alone.

Let me just say, for the record, that i really do not feel sorry for myself. There are a lot of people in this world who have it worse than i do. I see them every day . It's not like i can't meet women. I guess the thing that bugs me is that i haven't found the "one". I see folks who got lucky and found their "one". I envy them. I wonder how it happened, and why it hasn't happened to me. I wanna grab them and ask them what the secret is, what do they posess that i do not. What is the secret formula if one exists? But i know there is no secret formula. I guess i am just hoping that there is one so this whole mess makes sense.

Sometimes i lay in bed at night and the silence is deafening. It's these times when i feel the most lonely. The small hours are the longest. They tick away ever so slowly. My mind works it's hardest at this time. And this is one of the things i think about the most. Sometimes i think i should just give up and just quit caring. Become one of those people who are so bitter that are incapable of caring about anything or anybody, including themselves. I can't do it. I don't even think i would know how. It's not something that i can turn it on and off like a faucet. I wish i could at times. In the end i know that it's better to feel than not to feel. This sucks.

That's why i feel like a pair of brown shoes in a tuxedo world.

Thanks for reading,
Brian

Comments

Varoom

on Aug 16, 2004

Brian,

I read your post with interest because I have felt that way in the very recent past and also am quite sure many single people feel that way at some time or other in their lives. You mentioned in a previous post that the reason you like JoeUser is because people tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not so I am going to tell you some of the things I have done in self-evaluation and suggest maybe they are things you can look at in yourself or in your situation to give yourself some answers.

I don't know if there ever really is "the one" but you can look for characteristics you like in a "significant other" and go after someone you feel has these characteristics. Look back on past relationships. Think back on the most serious relationship you have had and what characteristics you liked and/or disliked about that person. Me personally, I have "the one that got away". We wanted different things in our lives at the time we were together but he was the love of my life. We have both grown since the four years we have been apart and if given the chance, I think he would be the one I would want to be back with but it takes two to feel that way. There are many characteristics in this guy that I look for in future boyfriends and things I don't, but if given the chance, I could have lived with and learned to love them if the timing was right. Any relationship is a work in progress. You have to put in as much as you get out of it in order for it to succeed.

Now the tough questions... On paper, you sound like the perfect guy. I feel that on paper, I am a pretty damn fine catch, but am still alone, so I have done some deep soul searching. Here are some questions you might ask yourself:

* How long ago was your most serious relationship and have any since that person been for as long? What characteristics
did this person have that kept you in the relationship that long?

* How many relationships have you had since the most serious one and for how long do they last before breaking up?

* Was it you or the girl you were dating doing the breaking up and what kind of reasons for the breakups? This can often give
you clues as to what wasn't working for the girl if they were the one that ended the relationship. If you have maintained civil
relationships with any of these girls, would you feel comfortable asking them what did and didn't work for them in the relation-
ship?

* Not knowing how old you are hinders some of the questions, but in reading your last blog on the girl who turned on you when
you told her you couldn't lend your car to her, you mentioned that you travel 110,000 miles a year. Does the fact that you are
out of town so much affect the hope of a relationship for the women you show interest in, since it doesn't sound like you are
home much?

* Where are you meeting women you might be interested in? If it is at a bar, most likely it isn't someone you will want a long
term relationship with. You listed many interests you have - join a club or take a class in which a female would have the
interests you do such as a cooking class, political campaign, book club, etc.

* What is it you want out of a relationship? Are you just looking for a long-term girlfriend or are you looking for someone you
would want to marry someday and have kids with? What does that potential mate want out of the relationship?

* Do you feel you are the same person you were when you were in your most serious relationship or have you grown and in
what ways? If you feel you have grown and matured, do you still go after the same type of women as you did before?

* Ask friends you feel will be brutally honest with you, especially female friends, what characteristics they see in you that might
not be attractive to a potential mate. Also have them tell you what characteristics they see as postives and how you might
improve on them. Often, we see ourselves one way but those that are closest to us see other things and don't want to hurt
our feelings.

I don't know if any of this helps you but don't be so hard on yourself. As you said, you can't just "not care" so maybe some hard self-evaluation of yourself, past relationships and what your future goals are in a relationship would help clarify things for you.

Although it was somewhat painful to admit my faults in past relationships, I have at least been able to now recognize them and try to change them to help the next time around. To me, it is better to get hurt or at least make an attempt at love than to not experience it at all. I think of it as practice for the next time. Every relationship, whether good or bad, can give you insight into the next one and if you don't find "the one" you might find someone that can work into "the one".

I just moved back to the Seattle area after being gone for four years and spent the last month doing this same type of evaluation and I have more clarity now into what might have been past problems and what I am going to do different.

Good luck in your future relationship endeavors and keep trying...she will come along when you least suspect it.

Varoom (Melissa)

mignuna

on Aug 16, 2004

That's why i feel like a pair of brown shoes in a tuxedo world.

i used to feel this way, brian. sometimes i still do. i didn't get married until i was 30, and by then i'd almost despaired of ever finding the 'right' one. hang in there

.

vanessa/mig XX

thatoneguyinslc

on Aug 17, 2004

WOW!

When i wrote this the other night, i really didn't expect anyone to read it. I guess that i was wrong! I'll Go through your questions one by one Varoom

1. * How long ago was your most serious relationship and have any since that person been for as long? What characteristics
did this person have that kept you in the relationship that long?

Well my most serious relationship i ever had ended about 5 years ago. We were together three years. It ended badly. She ended up stalking me for another two years after that and i eventually had to obtain a restraining order to get her to leave me alone. She was a little older than me, Was very intelligent, witty, had goals and motivation.

The one before her was the one i think was the closest i have ever had to being "the one" She was beautiful, very funny, also intelligent, and extremely compassionate. I blew this one. We were together almost 3 years, but i got scared and ran. We tried to get back together twice, but we couldn't re-create what we once had. This is the one that haunts me.

2. * How many relationships have you had since the most serious one and for how long do they last before breaking up?

Ever since, i have not had a relationship that has lasted more than 6 months for one reason or another.

3. * Was it you or the girl you were dating doing the breaking up and what kind of reasons for the breakups? This can often give
you clues as to what wasn't working for the girl if they were the one that ended the relationship. If you have maintained civil
relationships with any of these girls, would you feel comfortable asking them what did and didn't work for them in the relation-
ship?

Well, in this case it has always been the girl that has done the dumping with the exception of the last one. Mostly because of my job and not being around. Hell i've spent thousands of $$$ just flying them around to wherever i'm at just to spend quality time with them. I have even went as far as to ask my boss for the"plum" assignments in places like NYC, San Francisco, San Diego, Florida, Seattle, just so we could spend time in real nice places that they might not get to ssee under normal circumstances. I have only really dated three girls since starting the job that i have now. two of them were nuts. the first one being the one i wrote about in my blog (Burn me once). The other who i dated until recently is now trying to get my attention by trying to do my friends when im out on the road because i do not speak to her, i try not to make eye contact her when were in the same room. But that's another post all together...lol

4. * Not knowing how old you are hinders some of the questions, but in reading your last blog on the girl who turned on you when
you told her you couldn't lend your car to her, you mentioned that you travel 110,000 miles a year. Does the fact that you are
out of town so much affect the hope of a relationship for the women you show interest in, since it doesn't sound like you are
home much?

I'm 36. I look like i'm in my late 20's.( i get it from my grandfather who passed away @ 93 last year, but looked like he was in his 70's. His hair wasn't even grey) Because of where i live (Salt Lake City) the majority women my age are married, mormon (which i am definately not) and generally do not have any interest in me. I usually date younger. Mostly mid 20's. And YES its the time out of town that i think kills the relationships i have had. The funny thing is that i always tell them up front about this. and i always hear the same thing at first. "I think that's great, you won't be around enough to seriously piss me off"...lol. I do get at least a week off when i am at home, and do not travel all the time. I'm on the road when the schedule demands. The thing is i love my job (i build very large high speed computer networks in Hotels and convention centers) Work is the one thing that has gone right for me. I'm even considering a transfer/promotion to our European Office.

5. * Where are you meeting women you might be interested in? If it is at a bar, most likely it isn't someone you will want a long
term relationship with. You listed many interests you have - join a club or take a class in which a female would have the
interests you do such as a cooking class, political campaign, book club, etc.

I learned long ago thet the woman of your dreams will not be found in a bar. I usually meet them in everyday circumstances. I have met two at a local coffee shop that i frequent when at home. I am also very politically active. I volunteered for the Clark campaign, and do stuff for the Democratic party (which makes me an underdog where i live) My main loves in live are bullet biking with a group of friends (male and female) and i have been a musician almost my whole life (i play bass). I played in bands with varying success, and even went out on tour for a bit. I gave that up a few years ago when i finally realized i would never be a rock star

6. * What is it you want out of a relationship? Are you just looking for a long-term girlfriend or are you looking for someone you
would want to marry someday and have kids with? What does that potential mate want out of the relationship?

What does anybody want? I want to be loved, love somebody, and share my life with them. I don't have an aversion to getting married, but would never do it unless i was sure that it was the right thing. I love kids, and would like to have a family someday.

7. * Do you feel you are the same person you were when you were in your most serious relationship or have you grown and in
what ways? If you feel you have grown and matured, do you still go after the same type of women as you did before?

I definately have made changes since my last serious relationship. I guess the reason is because i blamed myself in the end and figured i had better make some changes. And i never looked for a particular "type" of woman. I go on a case by case basis

I also believe that life has forced me to mature. I have always been a big stupid kid at heart, and will be one til the day i die. I'm just a little wiser as i get older.

8. * Ask friends you feel will be brutally honest with you, especially female friends, what characteristics they see in you that might
not be attractive to a potential mate. Also have them tell you what characteristics they see as postives and how you might
improve on them. Often, we see ourselves one way but those that are closest to us see other things and don't want to hurt
our feelings.

This is a double edged sword for me. I love my friends and they love me, but i think they dont know how to give me a straight answer here because they are worried about either hurting my feelings (the women) and getting too involved (the guys). I don't blame them. My personal life has been a bit of a minefield lately, and friendships intertwine ya know?

Thanks Varoom

And Mig? thanks for the support!

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